The Feminine Longs to Let Go and Trust
“It made sense in a primordial way when he breaks down Adam and Eve, the snake and chaos,” Mr. Arar says. “Eve made Adam self-conscious. Women make men self-conscious because they’re the ultimate judge. I was like, ‘Wow this is really true."
An excerpt from :
This quote made me sit and think and then sit and feel for quite awhile. When I first read it I was annoyed thinking why is it our responsibility to make sure men do not feel self-conscious? It made me frustrated and I could feel my chest tightening up at the prospect of this being part of our role in relationship. Now I have not had a conversation with Mr. Arar to get more detail as I’m sure this statement was part of a broader conversation that was not included in the article. So I only have the context of this quote to work off. I think it would be highly worth my while to attempt to reach out to this gentleman to discuss so I can truly get an understanding of what he was saying. To be continued there… After much contemplation I can see/feel what Mr. Arar was saying in this quote and can understand how he may feel this way based on our current cultural approach to relationships which, in my opinion, is surrounded with mass confusion and frustration with each side wanting to hold the power position. Just look at some of the ways media portray us. Men as bumbling idiots who can do nothing right without their superwoman wives to clean up the mess behind them. This absolutely creates a sense of women judging men as not able to handle life and unable to function as men, but only as little boys. This is a huge disservice to both of us. I recognize that these are incredibly sensitive subjects with much volatility, pain, history, and anger on both sides and I can feel the pain of all as I approach this topic. So I walk into this conversation with deep respect for his position as it raised many questions for me as a woman. And I say conversation as I’m not going to tell you the answer, but rather share my thoughts in hopes of stimulating those that are feeling the same tensions and looking for answers to turn within and see where they stand…beyond what has been taught…
Before I proceed I want to take a moment to explain masculine and feminine energy as that is what I will be focusing this post on. Everyone has both energies regardless of gender. The majority of men are wired masculine and most women wired feminine. There is a percentage that the energies are flip flopped and a percentage that is neutral. I believe there is a spectrum of how these energies are manifest in each person (more explanation on this in a future post) so we should not assume that if you are a man wired masculine or woman wired feminine that you are necessarily at the extreme but are at some level of balance with the opposing energy (and not 50/50 as I would consider that neutral).
The quick break down: **Just a reminder everyone has BOTH of these energies to varying degrees so if you find yourself getting pissed that leadership is masculine or intuition is feminine, I get it, but take a moment to see where that is coming from within yourself**
Masculine energy: focus, leadership, organization, reason, stillness, strategy, planning, action, giving, consciousness, logic, survival, loyal, adventurous, strength, protection, confident, stability, doing
Feminine energy: intuition, wisdom, nurture, flow, fluid, compassion, introspection, patience, receiving, creativity, healing, expressive, emotive, flexible, gentle, love, life-force, supportive, wild, being
And now back to the statement above:
**I am going to address this from the perspective of men who are wired dominant masculine and women who are wired dominant feminine just for ease of conversation**
I don’t believe women on the whole want to be the ultimate judge. I think we feel frustrated by men who don’t know who they are and are not solid in their level of masculinity (and there are MULTIPLE reasons for this situation as we are multi-faceted beings with massive variations in life experience). ). As women, this lack of stability in a man makes us question him because we don’t feel safe and encourages us to step more into our masculine energy (which is often exhausting and frustrating for us). A man secure in his masculinity leaves no room for judgement. I believe men have the obligation to be secure in who they are just as we are responsible for being solid in who we are as women. And let me just throw in that being secure in who you are doesn’t mean you’re perfect. You’re human. The quoted statement feels like the man needs affirmation from the woman and for her to make him secure in his masculinity when the woman wants to show her acknowledgement of him by surrendering into his strength. I see it as our responsibility as women to free him to be a man to his fullness by not trying to meet him face to face on his level of masculinity. By allowing him to be steadfast in that role, acknowledging its value, and appreciating what it provides a relationship, we remove judgement and say I meet you where you are as you are.
The feminine longs to let go, to give over to flow and chaos, to feel the rapture of the masculine holding her steady. Both chaos and stillness must be present for true fluid balance.
We feel as women as though we need to meet our man in the same strength that he thrives on. When we meet him in the strength of our softness he can meet us in the strength of his core which is solid, grounded, and focused when he is secure in who he is. And yes I said the strength of our softness. Consider the strength and softness of water. Water provides life, it carries life, it sustains life in its softness, its gentle nurturing nature. In its strength it rusts and breaks down steel and erodes earth from mountain into river. It is both and it is powerful in its destruction yet so sweet in its life force. Softness does not mean you do not have a voice. It does not mean you don’t have the strength and fortitude to run businesses or anything you feel called to do (and I’m not supporting the superwoman do all the things mantra either). And you won’t be in your softness all of the time, but it is a part of the foundation of your being. When we embrace our softness as strength it allows us to tap into the immeasurable beauty of our feminine core. A core that is intuitive, wise, feeling, fluid, nurturing, and intelligent. When we are here we glow from the inside out. Softness does not mean demure, quiet, and agreeable. Softness means an ability to flow. When we become rigid, we break, we crumble, we writhe in pain and tear apart, we dry up, and we fall.
We become angry and bitter and we approach life as death instead of the magic we know it to be. We lose our softness by denying our need for it as it is part of our wholeness. And we need it desperately.
The push of our masculine was needed at one point to break beyond the status quo and allow for the feminine to begin its ascent from constriction. But we have rapidly tipped the scales in the direction of energetic equality so that we have lost our polarity with the masculine. And polarity is necessary for health not only within the self, but within relationships both platonic and romantic, as well as the collective. The ebb and flow of these opposing energies creates a natural balance where we play together not in competition but in co-creation. The responsibility for this lies in both of our hands. We cannot force it, cannot force the opposing energy to behave more like we’d like. It’s nature, it’s biology, it’s yin/yang. If you’ve ever done the ball exercise in Qi Gong you know the feeling of energy pulsing between the hands. I have seen it described both ways, but for this discussion let’s say the right hand is the masculine and the left is the feminine. Both hands are required to feel the energetic ball between them. Take one hand away and the energy disappears. Bring it back together and the energy returns. It is the same within the relationship we have with ourselves as well as in relationship with others. Both poles must be cultivated and held in order to maintain the balance and flow.
You see, the answer is not so straight forward as women need to stop judging men and making them feel self-conscious. There is a greater call here for us all to find personal strength and stability first within ourselves so that we can meet each other in wholeness instead of fractured beings looking for completion within each other. When we do this, we allow the space for our relationships, no matter if they’re business, romantic, or platonic to develop based on supporting each others energetic strengths instead of exploiting and tearing each other down based on perceived weaknesses. We can then begin to support, accept, and appreciate the strengths of both the healthy masculine and feminine. We enter a space of wanting to share in the experience of life with this other person, in whatever manner of relationship is present, rather than the need for them to fulfill the missing pieces we all have. This is not to create some let’s all just get along utopia.